Thoughts about Adopting a Second Child
By Mary M. Ashley

A Tough Decision. Deciding whether or not to adopt as second child is difficult. In our case, our first adoption went very smoothly and, as adoptions go, it was a fairly easy process. The wait was relatively short (6 months from application to placement), and our son was healthy and happy. Anderson arrived home with us from Ecuador in the fall of 1996.

Last spring, at 3 1/2 years old, Anderson was easy-going and very settled with us. Our lives were all going smoothly. We also knew that the adoption process can be draining, very emotional and risky. So why do we want to add a baby to this equation?

Pro and Con

Like many people, we often make lists of pro/con when making major decisions, and this was no exception.

On the PRO side, we felt that two children would be our idea of a family. We really did feel it would be good for Anderson to have a sibling, especially as he gets older. Having a second child who is also adopted is something the two of them can share. They will be able to talk to each other about being adopted in a way that they cannot talk to us.

The first time we adopted, we were sort of scared of being parents. It is a big responsibility and seemed pretty daunting. The second time, we were not nervous about that part. We were parents now; we had done it once. We knew we could do it again.

I come from a family of seven children; my husband has one brother. The fact that my husband is so grateful for his one brother and my ties to my siblings really helped to sway us into deciding to adopt a sibling for Anderson.

The CON arguments made us conscious of the changes that would take place. Are we able to accept the chaos that will accompany a new baby? There is also more risk. While even in a pregnancy there is risk, I think adoption adds another layer to risk, that of the unknown. Will our baby be healthy? We had a good experience the first time and have a wonderful son. Are we pushing our luck to try and adopt as second time?

Another CON, which showed during the process, is that the anxiety of waiting and worrying is not less a second time. I thought that since we had been through it once, and knew (more or less) what to expect, we would be more relaxed, but that was not the case. We were busier this time and had a toddler to take care of, but we thought daily about our new baby and spent several anxious months, from assignment to travel, just as we did the first time.

Thought Process

During the decision making time, many thoughts went through our heads and we asked ourselves many questions. Did WE (as parents) want another child, or did we think we were really doing it for our son? If we did want another child, then WHY did we want another child? Did we have sound reasoning? What about all of the changes that would take place? How would the addition of another child change us? How would it change Anderson? Could we manage with a second child? What about our work schedules? What if the child is difficult? Or sick? Or will not sleep? Could we afford to adopt another child? We talked through these issues thoroughly and came to our decision.

Making The Decision

I think that any decision to adopt is not quite a rational decision. At some point, you make a leap of faith and say, "Yes, let's adopt a child." This is what happened to us. That said, we started making plans. And our plans took us back to The Alliance for Children.

One thing we were quite sure of was that, if we did adopt a second child, we would return to Ecuador. In that way, our children would share the same heritage. It would be something that they would have in common and perhaps make them feel more connected. We came back to Alliance because they have a good Ecuador program.

Part or our decision to do another foreign adoption was whether we should take Anderson with us to Ecuador when we adopt the baby, or have him stay at home with grandparents or other family members. We opted to take him and are really glad that we did.

Anderson is a great traveler and is very adaptable. Given those qualities, we felt that any drawbacks which could arise from traveling would be made up for in the initial bonding of our family.

This proved to be true. Ellis really is Anderson's baby; Anderson was with us the very moment we first saw Ellis. Adoptive parents know the feeling you have the first time you see your baby. Anderson now has that from the first time he saw his brother. We both agree that taking Anderson was the right decision for us. Although each family is different and children react differently, at least consider taking your child when making your decision about adoption and travel. Leaving him behind for three weeks and then coming home with a new baby would have been much worse. And if you do take your child, especially if he or she is foreign adopted, be sure that your child's papers are all in order, We had a few anxious moments over an exit visa when leaving Ecuador with both boys, as Anderson was still traveling on an Ecuadorian passport.

After the Fact

In April, 1999, we arrived home in Boston with a 4-month-old baby boy. Our new son Ellis is a joy. Now almost a year old, he is healthy, sweet and has a calm temperament. Anderson truly loves his brother and it makes me happy each time I see them interacting and playing together. In the end, we were lucky again. I know that we made the right decision to adopt again, and I am learning to enjoy the chaos, the clutter and the noise.