Adopting a Second Child
By Debbie Egan

Expecting a new baby in the house produces both excitement and anxiety for both parents and children in the family. Recognizing this ahead of time, accepting that this is how it is when a new family member is introduced to a family, and acknowledging these feelings can help both parents and child better adjust to the new situation as it evolves. It is important to remember that the adopted child will be more sensitive to the idea of a new sibling because his/her sense of belonging to the family is being challenged. When we told my daughter we were adopting a second child, the first words out of her mouth were, "I not want to be a big sister!" After we discussed what I liked about having brothers as I grew up and some of the "highlights" of having siblings, she asked, "Will you and Daddy still love me?"

Even if your child is not able to express him/herself as clearly as my daughter, don't underestimate his/her understanding of the situation. At 2 1/2 years old, the situation was crystal clear to my child and it is to most. Pay close attention to how your first child is acting and feeling and be sure you provide time for "quiet moments" that will give your child the opportunity to share his/her thoughts and feelings with you. There are several good books that you can read yourself to help you prepare for the arrival of the new baby, and there are others that are helpful for your child. The books I liked and found helpful are listed below. My daughter also loved to hear me tell the story of her adoption, and it helped her to continue to feel special and important in our lives as we prepared for the new sibling.

Books for Parents

Welcoming Your Second Baby by Vicki Lansky
This book has excellent suggestions on how to prepare your first child for the new baby.

Touchpoints: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development
by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.
There is a section in this book on sibling rivalry. (Incidentally, I highly recommend this book for general child development questions too! His advice is both sensible and sound.)

Books for Children

The Berenstain Bears' New Baby by Stan and Jan Berenstain
In this story, brother bear outgrows his baby bed just in time for his sister to use it. This story helps your first child accept and appreciate that s/he is bigger and prepares him/her to relinquish his/her "baby" things to his/her new sibling. The Berenstain Bears are a family by Stan and Jan Berenstain This story solidifies the relationship between family members and expresses what it means to be a family.

The New Baby by Mercer Mayer
This story explains to the first child that the new baby will not be able to play ball with him/her just yet, but there are other things the older child can do with the new baby like give him/her a rattle, let him/her pull his/her nose, and push him/her in the stroller. The Baby Sister by Tomie De Paola This story describes how the older child misses his parents but enjoys the new attention from the new sibling. Susan and Gordon Adopt a Baby by Sesame Street This story explains what adoption means and illustrates some of the frustrations of having a new child in the home to divert adult attention from the first child.

Seeds of Love by Mary Petertyl
For brothers and sisters of international adoption

William is my Brother by Jane Schnitter

A final Note

Young children do not have a sense of time, so it is important that you do not tell your child about the imminent adoption of your second child too soon. Your child will need time to absorb the information and feel comfortable with it and the whole process; however, if you share this information with him/her from the very beginning, it will seem like an eternity before the new sibling actually arrives in the family. This will cause your child undue anxiety. Tell family and friends not to speak about the new adoption in front of your child until you have had the opportunity to tell your child and do not be afraid to remind them if they forget. Your first child's sense of security and belonging must remain intact throughout the process of adopting your second child.