Inquiring Minds
By Renee Lubowich

"Why did his real mother not want him?" "Whose fault was it that you couldn't have one of your own?" "Did your child come with a guarantee, can she be returned if she has a problem? "Did you pick your child out of a catalog?" "Are they really siblings?" "What do you know about his background?" "How much did you pay?"

Adoptive parents frequently contend with an amazing array of questions from friends, relatives, co-workers, even strangers. These questions range from the process in general ("How much did you pay?" is probably the most common) to the particulars about an individual child ("What do you know about her real family? or "Does she have any brothers or sisters?") and from the benign ("What's it like?") to the downright hostile (Once, during a workshop, a teacher asked, "Why do these parents go overseas to adopt when they could have stayed here and gotten one of our OWN kind?")

Sometimes it is relatively easy to dismiss these questions because it is clear that the other person simply doesn't know any better. That is true for the parents who are asked if their Asian children eat a lot of rice, and for all those who adopt babies internationally and are asked if their children will be able to speak English when they begin to talk. Other times, however, it is more difficult--because the tone is mean-spirited or because the person asking the question is a close family member. Those times can be very painful and demoralizing for the child or the parent--or both.

The first rule in dealing with questions is to think of the child first. Our response should be determined by what our child needs to hear instead of our own comfort level or that of the person asking the question. Hopefully we are able to use these times as opportunities to reinforce the parent-child bond rather than pull it apart. Turning away from the person asking the question and toward the child is one way of communicating that. Asking the child if he or she wants to answer the question is another. Always communicating the strong connection we feel for our children is the very best way to contend with queries from the outside world. I once heard a speaker say that the only response to any questions about a child's looks ("She has such big brown eyes. Where did they come from?" for instance) is to put your arm around your child, smile sweetly, and say, "Why thank you. It's in our genes."

Sometimes the less said, the better. It is inadvisable to say too much, particularly anything that is of a personal or sensitive nature. It is a well-known fact that once we give information away it is gone forever. Someday, when these children are older, they will be able to make their own decisions about what to share and with whom. Until then it is the parents who are the holders of this information--and it is their responsibility to keep it safe.

I usually advise parents to find one response that works in most situations, so they don't have to formulate a new response to each inquiry. "Gee, why do you ask?" is a great all-purpose response to almost any question. For one thing, it gives parents a few seconds to catch their breath and figure out what to say next. For another, it puts them back in control with the ball in the other person's court, so to speak. It also gives parents more information upon which to base a response. If a person inquires about the cost of adopting, for instance, and the parent responds with, "Gee, why do you ask?" it will be one thing to get back "I don't know, I was just curious," and another matter entirely to hear, "All my life I've wanted to adopt, but I never thought I could afford it."

If 'Gee, why do you ask?" doesn't seem appropriate, any all-purpose, noncommittal response will do. "Oh, are you interested in adoption?" works well also. A request for more details about an adoption might be met with, 'There was an awful lot to it, and I'm just not prepared to talk about it." Some families have gone so far as to have cards and buttons made up that say, "Questions about adoption?! Please call..." with their phone number or the number of the local adoption agency or support organization printed on it.

There are some questions that will be well-served by a comment that focuses specifically on that issue. Money questions are probably among the most frequently asked questions of that type. These range from the gentle, "How much did it cost?" to the tactless (and inaccurate), "What did you pay for him?" An entire category of comments have been generated for these. Here are just a few. "My daughter? She's priceless!" "Whatever it was, not nearly enough." "Worth every penny," "You can't buy a child. There are many costs--legal, medical, travel, social work, and all the rest, but I can't possibly put a price tag on a child," and, "The same as it costs to give birth-but most of us have health insurance to cover that."

It is never too early to start practicing good responses to questions and comments from others. People sometimes say they needn't worry because they have not yet adopted or because their child was out of earshot or too young to understand Uncle Henry's latest racist joke. But there is a problem with that. Uncle Henry will continue to make racist jokes unless someone talks with him about it--in fact, it will probably only get harder to speak up as time goes on. Saying, "Uncle Henry, I have heard you make jokes like this for years but now that I am adopting a child from Ecuador, I am looking at the world in a different way. I wonder how my child will feel someday to hear you talk like this" will go much further in handling the situation than ignoring it in hopes that Uncle Henry will stop before your child understands what is being said, and is hurt by it.

Besides, children have a way of growing up when we're not looking. A two year old may not fully understand what is being said, but if we blink our eyes that two year old turns three, and all those words begin to sting--or at the very least create discomfort in a room. And even if the child doesn't really "get it," he or she will certainly sense a parent's sadness, anger, or embarrassment.

It is never too late to go back and re-do a response to a question or a comment. Saying to a child (even a young child), "Ever since that lady stopped us in the supermarket and asked about your background I've been thinking about it. I wondered if I might have said something different. Have you been thinking about it, too?" It is a good lesson to teach our children, and not just about adoption. To be able to re-think our actions is a very valuable skill in today's complex world.

Snappy comebacks work for some people. Responding to "Does he look like his father?" with "I don't know. We've never met." is one way. One person I know was stopped and asked what she knew about her son's birthmother. "How often do you have sex?" she asked back. When she was met with stunned silence, she smiled and said, "Pretty personal, isn't it?" Her message came through, loud and clear.

Snappy comebacks are not comfortable for everyone, nor do they mesh with some people's personalities--but. a sense of humor can be very handy when it comes to dealing with the outside world. A group of families were returning from China with their newly adopted daughters when a fellow traveler asked one of the dads if he knew he was going to adopt before they left (an INCREDIBLE question from the adoptive parent's point of view, considering all the preparations, paperwork, fingerprinting, etc. etc. etc. that needs to be done prior to an adoption). He laughed, and said, "Nah, we went to China and brought one home as a souvenir."

And even if the parent doesn't share her/his laughter out loud, knowing that there are all kinds of people in the world, some quite clueless, helps to keep things in perspective. It is almost like an "in" joke. One family, who was quite a sight with their rainbow collection of family members, used to have a code when they found themselves being watched by a gawker. "The man in the corner with the striped tie," one would whisper. Then another would add, "One, two, three--ST ARE!" And the entire group would turn, in unison, and stare at the offending party. Sometimes they would receive an apology, sometimes not-- but they always knew they could find humor in the curiosity they generated in others.

Children learn so much by watching the significant people in their lives. What parents need to ask themselves is what kind of role model they are and what kind of a role model they want to be. If their children see intimidation or hostility or lack of concern or fearfulness, that is what they will take with them into adulthood.

One woman took her daughter, only four months old, to a party and encountered an acquaintance who made a terribly hurtful, racist remark. She turned to this person, said, " I feel really sorry for you," took her baby into another room, and cried for the next two hours. She was devastated. But two months later, when a receptionist in a doctor's office told her that after waiting two years to adopt a child "So you didn't care what kind you got," she was prepared. "Actually, I wanted a girl," she replied. And when the receptionist, not appreciating the fact that she had just been given a chance to be let off the hook, added, "No, I meant the color," she was ready. "1 gave you two chances not to make an ass of yourself, " she retorted, "and you blew it."

But more than her words, (which are a bit too caustic for some) was her belief in herself, in her daughter, and in the family they had become. She wanted to teach her daughter that they were a good, strong, solid family, just as deserving of community support and recognition as anyone else. She spent the next decade teaching her daughter to stand tall and hold her head up high.

Now, nearly grown, her daughter has the self-confidence to make her way in the world as her own person. Her mother has the satisfaction of knowing that she gave her daughter the tools to deal with whatever challenges come her way. And they both have a family of which they can be very proud.