Bringing Your Older Child Along
By Gayle Sproul

When I spent time in earlier years dreaming of how my family would turn out, I always saw at least two kids, maybe more. I have a sister and wanted for my children the family that we had been given.

For us, of course, our second child, Molly, meant another long journey to China, just like the first time around. But it wasn't just like the first time because this time, we brought a child with us-our first wonderful daughter, Sophie, who was just about to turn three. In the end, it turned out to be the right decision for us. The wonder of having her there far outweighed the relatively minor inconveniences we experienced.

The Decision

My husband and I had a difference of opinion on whether Sophie should come along on the awesome but sometimes hard trip. He worried about her safety and her health. On the other hand, I didn't think she was unsafe and I was sure we could protect her health by talking to her pediatrician before we went and being especially vigilant when we were in China. My major concern was that she be included and that she feel included. I tried to imagine what she would feel if we left her behind, even with doting relatives, for two weeks and came back with a stranger who we knew but she did not. I might be saying, "sweetheart, here is your new little sister," but she would hear, "your replacement is here." I worried that she would feel left out, this happy exuberant girl who had basked in the solo spotlight for so long. I also knew that if I had given birth to her sister, she would have had some adjustment time during the pregnancy to see the physical changes in me. Then, when the baby arrived, I would be away from her for only a couple of days at most. I knew from friends with biological children that the older sibling was encouraged to come to see the parents and the baby in the hospital as soon as possible to allay fears and to foster the children's bond. All this would be missing. My final thought was that we would be looking at pictures and videos of our trip for years to come, as we did of our trip to adopt Sophie. I wanted both girls to be in them.

These thoughts spun around my head as we made the decision to adopt a second child. My relatives agreed with my husband, my friends were more cautious in voicing their opinions. I told Sophie's pediatrician that we were going to adopt another child and asked him what he thought of taking her to China. "Go for it," he said.

During the months of our wait for Molly, Sophie and I talked a lot about "Mei-Mei," her little sister waiting for us in China. My aim was to prepare her for life with a little sister as best I could. She did so well. When her clothes became too small she would say, "I give this to Mei-Mei." As the time approached for us to decide whether to borrow or buy a new crib, Sophie announced she no longer wanted to sleep in her crib and wanted to give it to Mei-Mei. At some point near the time our referral came, Sophie magnanimously decided that Mei-Mei could play with her toys in her play-room, if she wanted to. I noticed that in our talks, such as they were, she seemed to assume she would come with us to get Molly, although I thought I was careful not to tell her she was going to come until I was sure she was. In my heart, though, and in my mind, I was determined to bring her.

When we were given Molly's referral, we were all joyful including Sophie who wanted to break the news to her grandparents. The moment of truth arrived and we finally decided together to bring Sophie, although my husband reminded me that we could decide not to bring her at any time before we actually left, if she became ill for example.

Preparing to Go

I started to describe our trip to Sophie and told her we would have special rules. For instance, we could not drink water out of the faucet and she, not used to taking a shower, would have to take her bath standing up in the bathtub while I bathed her with a sponge. (In China, I washed her face with bottled water). We spread towels out on the kitchen floor and practiced taking "China baths." The novelty of this appealed to her.

I told her about our itinerary. We would be spending a few days in Beijing before traveling to Nanchang to get Molly. I explained that we would see the Great Wall and the Forbidden City. We watched "Big Bird in China," already a favorite of hers, many times. We decided to bring one of her Big Bird Dolls with us so he (?) could visit the Great Wall again as he had in the video. (Sophie later asked, while standing on the Great Wall, "Mommy, where is the Monkey King"? I hadn't thought of bringing him).

I spent some time collecting things for Sophie to play with on the plane, in airports and in hotel rooms: crayons, paper, coloring books, water colors, markers, lace-up animals, and beads. Thoughtful friends gave me sticker books for her and plastic reusable stickers that adhere to shiny cardboard, just the thing for long airplane rides. We brought her favorite books (which we would share with Molly), her favorite stuffed animal (Elmo) and her very special blanket ("Yaya"). By the end of our trip, nearly everyone knew the significance of Yaya and asked us to be sure we had not left it behind as we trekked from place to place.

Food was a great concern. I brought small eight-packs of dry cereal, granola bars, fruit bars, goldfish, pudding, dried fruit, juice boxes and parmalat (regular and chocolate). The juice boxes and chocolate parmalat were heavy but well worth it, especially on those many bus rides in China--to the Notary, the Bureau of Civil Affairs, shopping, shopping, shopping. I also brought an antibiotic for her (as I did for Molly), just in case.

Our great stroke of luck came when we learned from Alliance that another family in our group was bringing their nearly three year old Chinese daughter back to China to pick up their new baby as well. We hoped Sophie and this little girl would get along and be playmates for each other. In fact, they became great friends.

The Trip

The plane rides to China went relatively easily, in large part because they were night flights and Sophie, still on her regular schedule, fell easily asleep. Our time in Beijing was wonderful. I was thrilled to be in China with Sophie. On our first full day there, we drove to the Great Wall, which was about an hour north of Beijing. High in the mountains on a beautiful day, it was a truly spectacular sight. Seeing Sophie there, climbing it with her, filled my heart. I was so glad we had her with us. She loved it and carried Big Bird and Elmo the whole way. The memory and pictures of this are priceless to us.

On another day, we went to Tiananmen Square, which I expected to be a sobering trip, but to my surprise, the Square, on another beautiful October day, was full of people flying elaborate and colorful kites and people selling them. We bought a kite and Sophie and I flew it together. Ours was a beautiful butterfly, which we saved and brought home. While I tried to be "in the moment," I never lost sight of the fact that here I was with Sophie flying a kite in Tiananmen Square. More lumps in my throat. An interesting phenomenon occurred there, which we later saw in other places we visited. Chinese people, tourists themselves in Beijing, came up to us and asked to take Sophie's picture. We never knew exactly why they wanted to, but she did stand out from the typical Chinese child. She was wearing American blue jeans, she was with her American parents, and of course, out of her beautiful Chinese face came English, not spoken but gaily yelled. The question most commonly asked of us, next to her age, was whether she was an American Citizen. They smiled when we said yes.

Sophie had just been toilet trained and so there was the added challenge of finding her a bathroom in China. Most of them, in hotels and airports, were fine, but there was also the occasional hole in the floor. Still, we managed. I helped her there as I help her in my bathroom at home, but more. I don't think the primitive nature of some of the bathrooms should factor into whether a little one goes to China or waits at home. The same is true for the food in China. Her rules were the same as ours. By choice, she ate mostly noodles, rice and french fries.

The day we went to pick up Molly came quickly and, suddenly it seemed, we were in the hallway outside our guide's room, waiting to receive her. I had thought a lot about where Sophie should be, what I would say at this moment. I had envisioned Molly being brought into our hotel room where I'd be sitting on the bed with Sophie on my lap or by my side. Instead, someone from the orphanage handed Molly to me while I stood in the hallway.

Immediately, instinctively, I knelt down to Sophie's level and showed Molly to her. I said, "Sophie, here's Mei-Mei." Sophie carefully covered her 8 month old sister with Yaya, an unplanned and tender touch. After a few moments, as Molly stared up at her, Sophie said, "Mom, she's not talking, she's not walking." She continued to look at her with a combination of fascination and amusement, and then after a few minutes, lost interest and started playing around with her friend on the floor.

Back at our room, Sophie wanted to show Molly around the room. She introduced her to her crib, and some of her new stuffed animals. We had brought a baby doll for Sophie as a gift from Molly which Molly then gave her. Sophie was happy to get the gift and slept each night with that doll right next to Elmo.

Now that our family was finally together, we did have some stresses. It is hard to live in a faraway hotel room with a new baby for weeks. It is harder to do it with a toddler along. But the truth is that the things that make it difficult have very little to do with the toddler. It has to do with the fact that you can't cook food, can't drink the water, and can't put the baby down in a separate place to sleep. It has to do with the fact that you are facing some unknowns, and waiting for a bureaucracy to let you go. All of these factors exist whether you have another child with you or not. The presence of the first child simply accelerates your introduction to the world, to juggling that will be your life with two children.

Looking back now, I know that I faced in China what any new mother of two back home, trying to incorporate her baby into the house and family, while looking out for the tender feelings and needs of the first child, would face. The difference for me is that I started working on that in China, where it was logistically harder to do. It is no doubt a greater burden, but for us it was, equally without a doubt worth it.

The only real problem for us was at bedtime. We all stayed in the same room. Molly would go to sleep first. My husband or I would stay in the room with her and then the other would take Sophie out to run around the hotel and get tired. She would come back in and see Molly sleeping quietly. The urge to scream in her ear or give her a little poke was great and she often did not suppress it. When we finally got them both to sleep, which we could only do by turning out all of the lights in the room, my husband and I would sit in the only place where we could turn on the light - the bathroom- and talk for a while. Sometimes, one of us would take a walk in the hotel (more fun in the White Swan than in some other places). I remember wishing I had booked a suite and longing for the separate bedrooms waiting for us at home. But again, when I weigh the good of having Sophie with us, the inconvenience seems just that.

The long plane ride from Korea to New York was a tough one. It occurred to me that while adults get tired from dragging themselves around in airports and on and off of planes, kids don't because they are carried everywhere and carry nothing themselves. So, once on the plane, Sophie was not exhausted like me, not at all ready to sleep; she was ready to play. Fortunately, Molly slept nearly the whole way back in the bulkhead bassinet, which is a wonderful invention.

Home

In the end, my husband and I were thoroughly exhausted but so happy at last to have our girls. And in the end, he told me bringing Sophie was the right decision and that he couldn't imagine the trip without her.

Now, nine months later, we are a family. Though there are moments of sibling rivalry, there are more moments when Sophie and Molly play happily together and show genuine affection for each other. A couple of nights ago, Sophie asked to see the video of "When we get Molly." We sat together and watched the video of this last trip to China. "I 'member this, Mommy," Sophie said from time to time as we watched, smiling, "I 'member this."