Preparing for #Two
By Margaret Ronan Stack

When thinking about expanding our family from three to four, we had a lot of encouragement - and not from the typical sources. Encouragement didn't come from our parents hoping for another grandchild or from close friends who wanted us to share in their experiences of many children. Rather, all of the requests for another sibling came from our first child, Tommy. And, after years of patiently waiting, Tommy finally got his wish, as we did ours, when we traveled to Russia this winter to bring home our new baby.

Our older son's desire for a little brother made our job of preparing him much easier, but we knew it was still important to lay some ground work for healthy acceptance of his new sibling. Overall, we tried as much as possible to make Tommy fully informed about and involved in the process. As soon as we were approved to adopt, we let Tommy know our plans. We tried to point out real life examples of siblings, both getting along well and not so well, whenever they presented themselves. At dinner, we'd talk as a family about where the new baby would sleep (Tommy voted for bunk beds in his room) and what he'd do, being as specific as possible so Tommy could really imagine this new sibling. Once we had decided to adopt a particular baby, we showed Tommy the baby's video tape and started talking about the baby by his then given name, Dmitry. We also informed close friends and relatives about our decision to adopt and encouraged them to talk openly about the adoption, both in front of and with our older son.

Though not originally planning to do so, we decided to take Tommy with us to Russia for our 3 week stay. We were able to visit the orphanage each day for two hours and slowly get to know the baby we had decided to call Charles Dmitry. That first visit to the orphanage was like a dream, and we were all fascinated. Subsequent visits, though still exciting for us, became a little more tedious for our 6 year old as we spent the entire two hours in a small room with the baby and our interpreter. Tommy was getting his first dose of no longer being the star attraction. After a few days, we learned to bring a backpack of toys for Tommy and divide our attention between the two boys. We let interaction between the two happen more spontaneously. Tommy's attitude and acceptance of his brother improved. Just as these small doses of interaction during the three weeks allowed Charlie to slowly acclimate to us, so they allowed Tommy a chance to slowly adjust to the reality of having a sibling.

When we finally arrived home from Russia, our older son disappeared for five minutes. Just as we started to notice his absence, he returned with arms loaded with stuffed animals. He plunked these treasured possessions down in front of Charlie, exclaiming that he wanted to share them with his brother because he knew he had no toys from Russia. We can't say that life in the four months since then has always been as ideal. In fact, there have been times when Tommy has given Charlie a push or taken back a toy he claimed as rightfully his, even though he'd shown no interest in it for five years. However, for the most part, the boys get along well. Tommy always kisses Charlie as he leaves for school or camp and Charlie always greets Tommy's return with a smile.

We continue to work to promote this love and acceptance between the boys and within the family overall. We give each boy individualized, focused attention geared to his interests and maturity so that they know we treasure each of them individually. Tommy might get a trip to the movies to see the latest children's release, while Charlie might get an hour in the kiddie pool playing with his water toys. We also allow the boys time together with a minimum of interruptions or directions from us in hopes they can develop a natural, loving relationship with each other. We try to do this in a setting with few potential hazards so that Tommy doesn't have to feel like a watchdog but can just relax with his brother. Most importantly, we try to spend time all together as a family during which we actively encourage interaction between the two boys. During the week, this usually means an hour or two around dinner. During the weekends, however, we find events we can all enjoy: a trip to the beach, a visit to McDonalds playland or maybe just a half hour on the backyard swing set.

We think the preparation and ongoing guidance we've given the boys is helping to create strong family bonds. We can't wait to add number three.